Learn to Set Boundaries, Not Build Walls
An honest Perspective to look at Boundaries as the Key to Freedom
7/19/20265 min read
When Walls Were the Only Tool We Had
As children, we often did not have the ability to calmly evaluate a situation and say to our parents or family members, “Listen, this is not okay for me. This does not work for me, and if this continues, this will be the consequence.” We could not necessarily communicate our boundaries clearly and then give the other person the opportunity to change their behaviour. We simply did not have that emotional toolkit yet.
Because of that, it may have become automatic to withdraw instead, to stay silent, to close ourselves off and build walls. Being quiet and alone may have felt much safer than trying to explain what we needed, especially if we had already learned that speaking up would not necessarily change anything. At that age, withdrawing may genuinely have been one of the few ways available to us to protect ourselves.
But one of the most important things to realise is that as adults, we can learn to do something different.
As Adults, We Can Learn to Set Boundaries
As adults, when we respond from our healthy adult self, we do not always have to disappear when something hurts. We can learn to set boundaries instead. And setting boundaries is a skill. It is something that can be learned and practised, even if it feels completely unfamiliar at first.
If we notice that after disappointments, misunderstandings or difficult interactions we repeatedly become quiet, withdraw, close ourselves off, or even retreat from the world because we want to minimise the possibility of experiencing more pain, then I think it is worth stopping for a moment and asking ourselves where that reaction comes from. Is this an adult decision, or is it an old coping strategy that once helped us feel safe?
Because while withdrawing may still feel protective, it can also slowly create isolation. The more we avoid situations in which we might get hurt, the fewer opportunities we also have for closeness, connection and being understood.
As adults, we have more options. We can communicate our feelings. We can say what works for us and what does not. We can explain what we need, what hurt us, and where our boundary is. And then we can trust that the healthy adult part of the other person has the possibility to hear us and respond.
A Boundary Does Not Have to End a Connection
I think one of the most powerful experiences is the first time you actually do this and it goes well. And, as a side note, the first few times will probably come with a ridiculous amount of anxiety and tension.
You finally say what is not okay for you. You explain what hurt you or what you need to be different, and while you are saying it, part of you may already be preparing for the other person to reject you, get angry, leave, or decide that the relationship is no longer worth it. If your old strategy was withdrawal, simply expressing a boundary can feel incredibly risky.
And then something completely different happens.
The other person listens and responds like an adult. Maybe they say, “Okay, I understand.” Maybe they tell you they did not realise how something affected you. Maybe they say they will pay more attention to it next time.
And the relief that can come with that is enormous.
Because suddenly you experience something you may not have fully understood before: a connection can survive your boundaries.
For me, this was one of the most important realisations. I could finally understand that a relationship can remain even if I have boundaries within it. A connection can continue even if I say what feels good to me and what does not. I do not have to disappear every time something becomes uncomfortable.
And this applies to almost every kind of relationship. It can be a friendship, a family relationship, a romantic relationship, a work relationship, or any other kind of human connection.
Instead of Withdrawing From a Relationship, You Can Build It
Another huge value in learning healthy boundaries is that when somebody disappoints you, hurts you, or when a misunderstanding happens, you do not necessarily have to immediately retreat.
I think this can be especially important for people who feel things deeply. Something that may seem small to another person can sometimes affect you very strongly, and if your automatic response has always been withdrawal, it is easy to reach the conclusion that this relationship does not work either, this person is not safe either, and you are better off alone.
But sometimes that is not actually the end of the story.
Instead of withdrawing from the relationship, you may be able to build the relationship. You can explain what happened for you. You can communicate what hurt you. You can say what you need and what you are not comfortable with. You can give the other person the opportunity to understand you and respond.
And if they are able and willing to meet you there, the relationship can become better because of it. It can become a relationship in which you also feel comfortable, heard and respected, while the connection itself remains.
This is very different from automatically building another wall.
Of course, this does not mean that every relationship should be saved, or that every person will respect your boundaries. Sometimes the way someone responds to your boundary will show you very clearly that distance is the healthier choice. But even then, there is a huge difference between consciously deciding that a relationship is not good for you and automatically disappearing every time connection becomes difficult.
Boundaries Protect You Without Isolating You
For me, the easiest way to imagine this difference is as a fence instead of a wall.
When I automatically built walls, the goal was to be safe, quiet and alone behind them. If nobody could really get close, nobody could hurt me either. But the problem with walls is that they do not only keep pain out. They also keep connection out.
A healthy boundary feels different.
I can still be out in the world. I can connect with people. I can care about them, let them come close, and still have something around me that marks where my limits are. It protects me, but it does not completely separate me from everyone else.
It is not a several-metre-high brick wall.
It is more like an open, breathable fence. I can still see through it. I can communicate through it. There can even be a gate.
And to me, that is incredibly freeing.
Because learning to set boundaries does not mean withdrawing from the world. It means learning how to stay in the world without abandoning yourself.
A boundary protects you within connection. A wall protects you from connection.
And sometimes learning that difference can be what slowly takes us from isolation back to freedom.
Life often surprises us with unexpected turns, disappointments, misunderstandings and difficult life events, and when these things happen, we can easily start withdrawing into a place that feels safe. This can be especially true if, as children, we learned that being alone was the safest option.
I think we need to be careful with this as adults, because what initially feels like safety can slowly turn into loneliness without us even realising how it happened.
After disappointments, difficult moments or misunderstandings in the outside world, we may gradually retreat further and further into our own little world. We become quieter, we withdraw, and we try to reduce the number of situations in which we could be hurt again. The problem is that this can eventually lead to isolation and loneliness. And this is where I think it becomes very important to understand that while as children we may have learned to build walls because we did not have any other tools, as adults this does not always have to be our solution.